Wherever you are in the world at this exact moment, whether you exist or not, I would just like to imagine a few things.
I picture you with a laugh that shakes the ground. Hands that are bruised and open. A stubborn willingness to fight for what you believe, even when you are sometimes wrong. I like to imagine that you go on long walks, and sit and read on benches across cities. You have a 1991 jeep wrangler that you saved up to buy from a friend, and it's your baby. You love bacon cheeseburgers with the special sauce on the side, and you always ask for extra onion rings and absolutely no tomatoes. You play basketball, and also do theater because your masculinity and emotions aren't hindered by one or the other. You call me Bails, and you take me to get shakes at cookout at 2:00 A.M because I need to talk. You read every single thing I write, without complaint, and then tell me it's terrible in all honesty, and that sometimes I need to use my brain more than my heart. You have room for so many different people in your life, and you invest in so many easily. You're an ambivert. Some of your favorite books include 1984, Harry Potter, The Hobbit, Chronicles of Narnia, Great Gatsby, and Fahrenheit 451. You can't stand the idea that you will never be able to speak all languages. You're still upset sometimes that I colored in your journal when I was 5, but you always laugh afterwards because I was drawing a picture for you. You leave sticky notes all over the house in random places with weird sayings or quotes or bible verses or inside jokes and mom gets irritated when she finds them in the laundry. You yell, and every single time it frightens me because it does not suit you. You are one of the kindest people I know, and are selfishly selfless and selflessly selfish, sometimes at the same time. You broke your foot falling off the trampoline when we lived on base and you got a blue cast, and you let me sign it first even though you promised your best friend he could. You love 80's rock and classical music and one-hit-wonders and although you don't sing completely off key there is no way you will ever be on the voice. You used to climb trees because you knew that I couldn't, and that is okay, because sometimes we need a space to ourselves, even though yours was higher. You snuck a stray into the house and dad caught you and made you take it to the shelter. You hate meatloaf. You are a terrible dancer, but secretly have always wanted to be in a flash mob. You treat all sexes with respect, whether it's earned or not, because respect should be given. You want to celebrate all traditions and cultures, but you love Christmas because Mom hides the pickle on the tree and you usually find it faster than me. But you always let me get the bigger part of the wish bone. Sometimes we have movie nights that consist of Netflix duds and you put M&Ms in the popcorn because you know its my favorite, and I let you order sausage on the pizza even though I can't stand it because I know you enjoy it. You always had a jersey number that I couldn't stand but I wore it proudly because you were mine. You helped me sell over 500 boxes of girl scout cookies, and got a few phone numbers that I promised not to tell mom about. Each of us had our own favorite; me the Double-Dutch, you the Tag-a-longs, dad the Samoa's, and mom the Thin-mints. You have a favorite football team but don't actually watch football. You saved the tickets to my shows and gave them to mom to put in my photo album, but told her to tell me that she thought of it. You write letters.
You are quirky, and funny in a way that is never demeaning. You listen better than anyone else.
You can't stand country music and mom doesn't know how we're remotely related. You have blue eyes like me. You have a crooked smile like mom. You never got braces. You don't have a favorite color because you haven't seen them all yet. Sometimes you crash on the couch when you are exhausted and we all let you. You steal my blankets and say they are yours. You make Mac&Cheese better than anyone I know. You almost flunked out of history one year but dad saved you. You like sitting in airports. Your favorite place to visit is Asia, and mine is Europe. If we ever saved up enough money to go on a trip we'd probably rock-paper-scissors it to see who gets to pick where. I made you watch all 8 harry potter movies even though you hated it, but I could tell you secretly loved it. You never forget. You come to me first when you've done something stupid. You never tell mom or dad on me.
You missed it all. And I missed you.
