Wherever you are in the world at this exact moment, whether you exist or not, I would just like to imagine a few things.
I picture you with a laugh that shakes the ground. Hands that are bruised and open. A stubborn willingness to fight for what you believe, even when you are sometimes wrong. I like to imagine that you go on long walks, and sit and read on benches across cities. You have a 1991 jeep wrangler that you saved up to buy from a friend, and it's your baby. You love bacon cheeseburgers with the special sauce on the side, and you always ask for extra onion rings and absolutely no tomatoes. You play basketball, and also do theater because your masculinity and emotions aren't hindered by one or the other. You call me Bails, and you take me to get shakes at cookout at 2:00 A.M because I need to talk. You read every single thing I write, without complaint, and then tell me it's terrible in all honesty, and that sometimes I need to use my brain more than my heart. You have room for so many different people in your life, and you invest in so many easily. You're an ambivert. Some of your favorite books include 1984, Harry Potter, The Hobbit, Chronicles of Narnia, Great Gatsby, and Fahrenheit 451. You can't stand the idea that you will never be able to speak all languages. You're still upset sometimes that I colored in your journal when I was 5, but you always laugh afterwards because I was drawing a picture for you. You leave sticky notes all over the house in random places with weird sayings or quotes or bible verses or inside jokes and mom gets irritated when she finds them in the laundry. You yell, and every single time it frightens me because it does not suit you. You are one of the kindest people I know, and are selfishly selfless and selflessly selfish, sometimes at the same time. You broke your foot falling off the trampoline when we lived on base and you got a blue cast, and you let me sign it first even though you promised your best friend he could. You love 80's rock and classical music and one-hit-wonders and although you don't sing completely off key there is no way you will ever be on the voice. You used to climb trees because you knew that I couldn't, and that is okay, because sometimes we need a space to ourselves, even though yours was higher. You snuck a stray into the house and dad caught you and made you take it to the shelter. You hate meatloaf. You are a terrible dancer, but secretly have always wanted to be in a flash mob. You treat all sexes with respect, whether it's earned or not, because respect should be given. You want to celebrate all traditions and cultures, but you love Christmas because Mom hides the pickle on the tree and you usually find it faster than me. But you always let me get the bigger part of the wish bone. Sometimes we have movie nights that consist of Netflix duds and you put M&Ms in the popcorn because you know its my favorite, and I let you order sausage on the pizza even though I can't stand it because I know you enjoy it. You always had a jersey number that I couldn't stand but I wore it proudly because you were mine. You helped me sell over 500 boxes of girl scout cookies, and got a few phone numbers that I promised not to tell mom about. Each of us had our own favorite; me the Double-Dutch, you the Tag-a-longs, dad the Samoa's, and mom the Thin-mints. You have a favorite football team but don't actually watch football. You saved the tickets to my shows and gave them to mom to put in my photo album, but told her to tell me that she thought of it. You write letters.
You are quirky, and funny in a way that is never demeaning. You listen better than anyone else.
You can't stand country music and mom doesn't know how we're remotely related. You have blue eyes like me. You have a crooked smile like mom. You never got braces. You don't have a favorite color because you haven't seen them all yet. Sometimes you crash on the couch when you are exhausted and we all let you. You steal my blankets and say they are yours. You make Mac&Cheese better than anyone I know. You almost flunked out of history one year but dad saved you. You like sitting in airports. Your favorite place to visit is Asia, and mine is Europe. If we ever saved up enough money to go on a trip we'd probably rock-paper-scissors it to see who gets to pick where. I made you watch all 8 harry potter movies even though you hated it, but I could tell you secretly loved it. You never forget. You come to me first when you've done something stupid. You never tell mom or dad on me.
You missed it all. And I missed you.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Rainy Day Reminder
Although I love the rain, I can tell it is quite easy to get caught up in the gloom of the clouds to forget how beautiful it actually is when it pours. So I thought I would take some time to try and remind myself of the beautiful rain that has poured down and blessed my life. I enjoy making lists, and have found myself forgetting the joy I have experienced.
Always take the time to remember how truly loved you are my dear friends.
Always take the time to remember the things you love my dear friends.
Things I love:
Always take the time to remember how truly loved you are my dear friends.
Always take the time to remember the things you love my dear friends.
Things I love:
- Jesus, and how He pursues me after all the things I do wrong.
- My mother, and how she is the strongest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
- My father, and his utter compassion despite recognizing and going through terrible traumatic experiences.
- Midnight McDonalds dates with whoever will join me.
- The way my sister used to enjoy cuddling for movie nights with me.
- Long days at the pool with my cousins right in the heat of summer before big thunderstorms.
- Whenever my best friend would spend the night and we would turn down the AC to below freezing, find the cuddliest blankets, a pint of Ben&Jerry's each, and discuss our future.
- Chocolate cake.
- Going to the Regal Cinema 16, any time.
- Always excelling in English and Language Arts throughout school.
- Butterflies in my stomach from the first time he held my hand.
- Long thought out handshakes with anyone who would like to have one.
- VW Vans and the fact that you could have one amazing drive-in experience with them.
- Amusement parks and the fact that my best friend lied to me to get me on a corkscrew rollercoaster. I was scared for the ride, but wouldn't trade the experience.
- Walking on the seawall in Typhoon conditions with my best friend just because.
- Meeting Amy Deakins.
- Having Ron Coia as my AP Language Arts teacher.
- Being caught up in the plot of a thrilling YA novel.
- Being a published poet in the DoDDs magazine at the age of 14.
- My first play with my dad, and that I met my first boyfriend in the cast.
- Chalk, and that there are constantly new creations at my fingertips.
- That the first thing we learn about God is that he is a Creator, something I relate to immensely.
- Any Shorebreak that I have ever had the opportunity of being on.
- Shorebreak sophomore year with Jack, Abby, and Emily.
- Tie-dying with Jack.
- Meeting and becoming close with Dave & Andrea Hutchings.
- Having the pleasure of watching their family grow.
- Costume parties.
- Dressing up for parties.
- Playing basketball on a dedicated team.
- Being the Lady Trojans assistant and water girl.
- That my mom is one badass athlete and coach.
- Getting to play with a high school team while in middle school.
- Traveling to competition in Germany with the GCM Trojans in 7th grade.
- Berliners, and there delicious Erdbeere filling.
- The Brotchen cart and getting a Kinderegg every Friday morning.
- Christmas Caroling with friends.
- Ugly Christmas Sweaters with friend.
- Yogerette ice with Erdbeere sauce.
- That soda shops exist.
- Laughing so hard that I cry with my Aunt Kendra and my Mother.
- Sleepovers with my Grandmother, and the fact she would buy me Master Wangs even when she wasn't supposed to.
- That my 16th Birthday party was a food fight.
- That my 18th Birthday party was an island wide scavenger hunt/amazing race.
- Space camp in Turkey.
- That I know who my Maid of Honor will be.
- That adoption is a thing, and that I am adopted by God.
- The autobahn joyride with my Father.
- Beating a boy at a game I was supposed to be inferior at.
- Jamming in the garage to the Beatles with my grandmother.
- Laying in a bouncy castle at a friends 16th birthday party at night making a new best friend.
- Mixed CD's made by anyone at any point in time specifically for me.
- Hand written letters that anyone at any point in time specifically write to me.
- Whenever somebody tells me that anything Peter Pan related makes them think of me.
- That my first overseas care was a Fun Cargo.
- Okuma bonding trips with Common Ground Leadership.
- The Ocean, and the vast reasons I love it.
- European Pizza.
- That Love exists and I know Him by name, and He knows me.
- The Valentine dances at Atekule.
- Salep, and the fact that a family friend is bringing me back some from Turkey.
- Oki Care Packages, and that there always a surprise.
- That girls are becoming more and more the YA novel heroes.
- Amy Phoeler and Tina Fey's relationship, and that it reminds me of Izi and I.
- Making dances and lip sync battles with my cousin for talent shows.
- Creating Bailey and the Beatles, were I Bailey was the lead singer, and my cousin Blayne was the guitarist.
- Joining band in middle school and picking up the flute within a week.
- Living in Germany.
- Living in Turkey.
- Living in Okinawa.
- Any memory from YogurtLand.
- Halloweens on Okinawa.
- Being cast in any high school play.
- Being cast as Draco Malfoy in A Very Potter Musical.
- Jumping of the Seawall with friends after chickening out for an hour.
- Movie nights at home with Pizza.
- That I have my first job.
- Any Spring Break Trip with Isabella while being in Turkey.
- Sunabe Seawall walks with Cody.
- All the people I have ever had the pleasure of becoming friends with from living overseas.
- The military family that I have thanks to my parents.
- The international family that I have thanks to my parents.
- That I am loved, more than I can comprehend.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Finding out you're a CryoKid.
So this is kind of a difficult and awkward topic to write about, especially when I don't really know how to start, or how I'm going to end this, or how any part in the middle is going to sound;
but I do know that is completely alright.
Code Words:
Sperm Donor = Mr. Anonymous.
First off I want to say that I am not angry, whatsoever. Not towards my Mom and Dad, not towards Mr. Anonymous, not about the fact that my parents didn't tell me until I was 19 despite many circumstances where they could've, and in fact should've brought it up, not towards my family who have known this is entire time and haven't let up the information. In absolute no way am I angry.
I looked it up to see if that was normal, and in some situations it is.
Honestly it just depends on the person, their home life, how curious they are about their biological father, how curious they are about the situation and why they were conceived the way they were.
I am definitely one of the lucky ones.
A lot of Cryokids have found the news to be traumatizing, disturbing, and has caused a lot of anger in their lives throughout the reveal and more so afterwards.
But after the initial shock, all it did was make me love both of my parents a whole lot more.
So here it goes. These are some words I need to say to heal a little piece of my heart that broke when I found out, to try and understand my situation just a bit more, to express the pain and occasional sorrow, to explain just how blessed and dearly loved that I am, to show how God creates miracles and the definition of one, and to explain just how much I love my little family.
Dear Momma, I am so immeasurably blessed that the Lord made sure of it that you were my mother.
You are the STRONGEST, most courageous, determined, hardworking, softhearted, intelligent, beautiful, selfless, compassionate, most influential person that I know. I can't imagine having any one else be the one I get to call mother. I am not angry, upset, or hurt about the fact that you chose to do what you did. I am a little upset that your family didn't want you to do it at first, they should have supported you from the get-go, and I am grateful that Grandma always did, and always will.
I am not angry whatsoever. In fact, all I feel is love.
It is just a physical reminder of the grace that the Lord blesses us with consistently.
I am just a physical reminder of God's grace, and I didn't even know it.
That is such a beautiful part of my testimony that now I get to share with the world.
So I wanted to take a moment and apologize to you, for the things out and in my control.
I am so deeply sorry that you couldn't get pregnant in the manner that you wanted to.
I am so deeply sorry that your family didn't support you at first, that must have felt like the definition of lonely. I am so deeply sorry for all those tears you cried yourself to sleep with because you thought you would never be able to carry a child that was you inside yourself. I am sorry it took nearly two years for you to become pregnant. I am sorry the pain, trauma, sorrow, anxiety, and fear that you went through just to be able to call me yours. But most importantly I apologize for not appreciating you as much as I should. You went through all of that just to be able to have me, and at times I was absolutely the most trying child in the book. I wish I could turn back the clock and be more grateful, selfless, understanding, patient, loving, softhearted towards you, but I can't turn back the clock, so I want to take this time to say that I love you so much. I am so beyond grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me over and over again despite your family's thoughts, the price, the hurt and pain it caused you mentally, physically, emotionally. I am so blessed to have gotten my strength of heart, encouragement, sense of hard work, my confidence, my ability to see the bright side of things from you. I love you so dearly.
Dear Daddy,
You are my father, dad, daddy, backbone, and this news doesn't diminish any of that.
As far as I am concerned you are my biological father.
It takes a real man to choose to be a part of what you and mom decided. I'm grateful you chose me.
I know there was pain in finding out, and pain in going through everything just like momma did, and for that I am terribly sorry. I know none of it was my fault, but I still want you to know that I am.
But even more than all of that I want you to know that I am so blessed to have you as my daddy.
You are just a prime example that I have a heavenly father that continuously chooses me day after day, with compassion, grace, tender filled care, and love in His heart, despite how terrible I can be.
You only show me more of a God that I yearn to discover. So thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for being the one that runs to my room when I scream for you after nightmares, thank you for being the one who ceaselessly reminds me just how beautiful I am despite me thinking otherwise, thank you for making me my favorite meals all the time (whether it's cheap Kraft mac'n'cheese or a meal that takes all day to make), thank you for being the one to put my hair in messy awkward angled pigtails and pushing me on the swings as a kid, thank you for making up stupid raps with me in the car, thank you for giving me the most stable environment even when I didn't grow up in a way that was stable, thank you for always finding a way to make me laugh even when I am sad, angry, afraid, tired, anxious, thank you for defending me whether it be from unfair teachers, silly boys, or from myself. Thank you for fighting for this country, for momma and me. Thank you for being my personal hero. I love you so dearly. You are every thing that a man is, and everything that a father should be.
I am so blessed to have gotten my humor from you, my kind heart from you, my patience from you (even if you don't believe me), my love of writing from you, my compassion for others, my sense of pride and joy. You are always and forever my daddy, and I will always be your baby girl.
Dear Mr. Anonymous,
I honestly don't really care to know you. I only really care to know about you.
Unlike other Cryokids I don't want to go searching for you in hopes to discover a man who is merely half of my genes, but not half of my heart. I have a father, the best one in fact, and I'm not looking for another. I however just really care to know what you look like, how much of me is a part of you. I wan't to know if the dimple on the right side of my cheek is from you, or the gazillion freckles on my body, cause I know those aren't my mothers. I want to know if my eyes look like yours, my momma and daddy said that you had blue eyes. If that part of me is from you, I want to thank you, because it's my favorite part of who I am. I wonder if you crinkle your nose when your nervous like I do, or if you have a cowlick at the tip of your hairline like me (actually I know it was you cause momma doesn't have one, so insert sarcasm here: thanks a lot for that). But to be completely honest, whenever I first thought of the idea of you I was kinda sick to my stomach. After all I don't know the type of man you are. I don't know if you just donate for the money, or if you have a story similar to mine and wanted to help two people deeply in love have something they couldn't create themselves. I hope you are the latter, and pretending you are the latter makes what I am about to say a whole lot easier.
Thank you for doing what you did. Thank you for even though you don't know I exist, choosing to help create my life. Because of you, my momma was able to feel what it was like to be pregnant, and my daddy was able to have the little girl that he always wanted. Because of you, I'm alive. My parents definitely could have chosen to adopt, and in fact almost did, but my mom WANTED to have a child of her own so terribly, and despite it not being half of my real dad, they both chose to continue with the process. So even though I can't quite finger which parts of you I am, and which parts that I am not, I just want to say thank you for choose to do what you did. Even though you didn't and still don't know who, I hope you know that you chose life.
Dear Grandma,
You always said I was such a a miracle baby and you would only give me snippets of being there for momma's pregnany, but now that I know the full story I am so glad it was you that was there the whole time. I'm so glad that growing up you were my best friend and partner in crime- its only fitting since you were there for the very beggining, that you would see me through the middle. I can't wait to get up to Heaven and discuss all of this together. I miss you quite terribly. I love you always.
Dear Half-Siblings around the World,
Let me start of saying that I have always wanted a sibling, particularly and older brother, but beggars can't be choosers. Here it comes, the most honest part about this coming to terms/truth reveal/ understanding this whole process: I am saddened by the fact that I was conceived before the law passed that you have a right to know your sperm donor once you hit the age of 18. It's not because I want to know the man who gave me half of his genes, it's because I want to know who else he gave his genes to. I don't know how many of you there are, all I know is that more than anything I wish to know you guys. I now there are sibling registries that you can go on and type the clinic, and information about the donor, and information about yourself on, but I'm not sure that I should do it getting my hopes up. Because my mother said it was basically impossible. So this is the part that I am hurting the most over, I may have tons of siblings that I'll never get to know in this life. Older brothers that love and protect, older sisters that care for and give advice, younger brothers I can encourage and protect, and younger sisters that I can lead in love. I am so sorry that I can't find you.
I am sorry that I can't know you. I am sorry that you may not know of any of this yet. I'm sorry.
I have always wanted a big family for myself, but knowing that I actually have one and can't know them is painful. But even though I have no idea who any of you are, and you are only half of who I am, I love you each of you with my whole heart. I can't wait to meet you all in Heaven one day.
Dear Other CryoKids,
Realize that you are a chosen people. I know that is what really hit me. God talks about the Isrealites as his chosen people, and now I understand it just a bit more. You were, are, and will always be wanted. What a marvelous feeling. Know that in no way does not wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Know that in no way does wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Its all a part of your story, your heart, your healing, your understanding, and your testimony. You are chosen. Know that you are blessed. Know that you are loved deeply.
Dear Family,
Thanks for not stepping out of line and telling me even when it couldn't have been easy not to.
It wasn't your place to do so, and I'm grateful that you didn't.
Hearing it from my mom and dad made the initial shock not hurt.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for making me for such a time as this.
Thank you for making me a chosen person.
Thank you for delicately, intricately, uniquely making me into the woman that I am.
I am so desperately, tenderly, dearly, unbelievably loved.
Esther 4:14 -"and who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this".
I know I was created for such a time as this.
but I do know that is completely alright.
Code Words:
Sperm Donor = Mr. Anonymous.
First off I want to say that I am not angry, whatsoever. Not towards my Mom and Dad, not towards Mr. Anonymous, not about the fact that my parents didn't tell me until I was 19 despite many circumstances where they could've, and in fact should've brought it up, not towards my family who have known this is entire time and haven't let up the information. In absolute no way am I angry.
I looked it up to see if that was normal, and in some situations it is.
Honestly it just depends on the person, their home life, how curious they are about their biological father, how curious they are about the situation and why they were conceived the way they were.
I am definitely one of the lucky ones.
A lot of Cryokids have found the news to be traumatizing, disturbing, and has caused a lot of anger in their lives throughout the reveal and more so afterwards.
But after the initial shock, all it did was make me love both of my parents a whole lot more.
So here it goes. These are some words I need to say to heal a little piece of my heart that broke when I found out, to try and understand my situation just a bit more, to express the pain and occasional sorrow, to explain just how blessed and dearly loved that I am, to show how God creates miracles and the definition of one, and to explain just how much I love my little family.
Dear Momma, I am so immeasurably blessed that the Lord made sure of it that you were my mother.
You are the STRONGEST, most courageous, determined, hardworking, softhearted, intelligent, beautiful, selfless, compassionate, most influential person that I know. I can't imagine having any one else be the one I get to call mother. I am not angry, upset, or hurt about the fact that you chose to do what you did. I am a little upset that your family didn't want you to do it at first, they should have supported you from the get-go, and I am grateful that Grandma always did, and always will.
I am not angry whatsoever. In fact, all I feel is love.
It is just a physical reminder of the grace that the Lord blesses us with consistently.
I am just a physical reminder of God's grace, and I didn't even know it.
That is such a beautiful part of my testimony that now I get to share with the world.
So I wanted to take a moment and apologize to you, for the things out and in my control.
I am so deeply sorry that you couldn't get pregnant in the manner that you wanted to.
I am so deeply sorry that your family didn't support you at first, that must have felt like the definition of lonely. I am so deeply sorry for all those tears you cried yourself to sleep with because you thought you would never be able to carry a child that was you inside yourself. I am sorry it took nearly two years for you to become pregnant. I am sorry the pain, trauma, sorrow, anxiety, and fear that you went through just to be able to call me yours. But most importantly I apologize for not appreciating you as much as I should. You went through all of that just to be able to have me, and at times I was absolutely the most trying child in the book. I wish I could turn back the clock and be more grateful, selfless, understanding, patient, loving, softhearted towards you, but I can't turn back the clock, so I want to take this time to say that I love you so much. I am so beyond grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me over and over again despite your family's thoughts, the price, the hurt and pain it caused you mentally, physically, emotionally. I am so blessed to have gotten my strength of heart, encouragement, sense of hard work, my confidence, my ability to see the bright side of things from you. I love you so dearly.
Dear Daddy,
You are my father, dad, daddy, backbone, and this news doesn't diminish any of that.
As far as I am concerned you are my biological father.
It takes a real man to choose to be a part of what you and mom decided. I'm grateful you chose me.
I know there was pain in finding out, and pain in going through everything just like momma did, and for that I am terribly sorry. I know none of it was my fault, but I still want you to know that I am.
But even more than all of that I want you to know that I am so blessed to have you as my daddy.
You are just a prime example that I have a heavenly father that continuously chooses me day after day, with compassion, grace, tender filled care, and love in His heart, despite how terrible I can be.
You only show me more of a God that I yearn to discover. So thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for being the one that runs to my room when I scream for you after nightmares, thank you for being the one who ceaselessly reminds me just how beautiful I am despite me thinking otherwise, thank you for making me my favorite meals all the time (whether it's cheap Kraft mac'n'cheese or a meal that takes all day to make), thank you for being the one to put my hair in messy awkward angled pigtails and pushing me on the swings as a kid, thank you for making up stupid raps with me in the car, thank you for giving me the most stable environment even when I didn't grow up in a way that was stable, thank you for always finding a way to make me laugh even when I am sad, angry, afraid, tired, anxious, thank you for defending me whether it be from unfair teachers, silly boys, or from myself. Thank you for fighting for this country, for momma and me. Thank you for being my personal hero. I love you so dearly. You are every thing that a man is, and everything that a father should be.
I am so blessed to have gotten my humor from you, my kind heart from you, my patience from you (even if you don't believe me), my love of writing from you, my compassion for others, my sense of pride and joy. You are always and forever my daddy, and I will always be your baby girl.
Dear Mr. Anonymous,
I honestly don't really care to know you. I only really care to know about you.
Unlike other Cryokids I don't want to go searching for you in hopes to discover a man who is merely half of my genes, but not half of my heart. I have a father, the best one in fact, and I'm not looking for another. I however just really care to know what you look like, how much of me is a part of you. I wan't to know if the dimple on the right side of my cheek is from you, or the gazillion freckles on my body, cause I know those aren't my mothers. I want to know if my eyes look like yours, my momma and daddy said that you had blue eyes. If that part of me is from you, I want to thank you, because it's my favorite part of who I am. I wonder if you crinkle your nose when your nervous like I do, or if you have a cowlick at the tip of your hairline like me (actually I know it was you cause momma doesn't have one, so insert sarcasm here: thanks a lot for that). But to be completely honest, whenever I first thought of the idea of you I was kinda sick to my stomach. After all I don't know the type of man you are. I don't know if you just donate for the money, or if you have a story similar to mine and wanted to help two people deeply in love have something they couldn't create themselves. I hope you are the latter, and pretending you are the latter makes what I am about to say a whole lot easier.
Thank you for doing what you did. Thank you for even though you don't know I exist, choosing to help create my life. Because of you, my momma was able to feel what it was like to be pregnant, and my daddy was able to have the little girl that he always wanted. Because of you, I'm alive. My parents definitely could have chosen to adopt, and in fact almost did, but my mom WANTED to have a child of her own so terribly, and despite it not being half of my real dad, they both chose to continue with the process. So even though I can't quite finger which parts of you I am, and which parts that I am not, I just want to say thank you for choose to do what you did. Even though you didn't and still don't know who, I hope you know that you chose life.
Dear Grandma,
You always said I was such a a miracle baby and you would only give me snippets of being there for momma's pregnany, but now that I know the full story I am so glad it was you that was there the whole time. I'm so glad that growing up you were my best friend and partner in crime- its only fitting since you were there for the very beggining, that you would see me through the middle. I can't wait to get up to Heaven and discuss all of this together. I miss you quite terribly. I love you always.
Dear Half-Siblings around the World,
Let me start of saying that I have always wanted a sibling, particularly and older brother, but beggars can't be choosers. Here it comes, the most honest part about this coming to terms/truth reveal/ understanding this whole process: I am saddened by the fact that I was conceived before the law passed that you have a right to know your sperm donor once you hit the age of 18. It's not because I want to know the man who gave me half of his genes, it's because I want to know who else he gave his genes to. I don't know how many of you there are, all I know is that more than anything I wish to know you guys. I now there are sibling registries that you can go on and type the clinic, and information about the donor, and information about yourself on, but I'm not sure that I should do it getting my hopes up. Because my mother said it was basically impossible. So this is the part that I am hurting the most over, I may have tons of siblings that I'll never get to know in this life. Older brothers that love and protect, older sisters that care for and give advice, younger brothers I can encourage and protect, and younger sisters that I can lead in love. I am so sorry that I can't find you.
I am sorry that I can't know you. I am sorry that you may not know of any of this yet. I'm sorry.
I have always wanted a big family for myself, but knowing that I actually have one and can't know them is painful. But even though I have no idea who any of you are, and you are only half of who I am, I love you each of you with my whole heart. I can't wait to meet you all in Heaven one day.
Dear Other CryoKids,
Realize that you are a chosen people. I know that is what really hit me. God talks about the Isrealites as his chosen people, and now I understand it just a bit more. You were, are, and will always be wanted. What a marvelous feeling. Know that in no way does not wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Know that in no way does wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Its all a part of your story, your heart, your healing, your understanding, and your testimony. You are chosen. Know that you are blessed. Know that you are loved deeply.
Dear Family,
Thanks for not stepping out of line and telling me even when it couldn't have been easy not to.
It wasn't your place to do so, and I'm grateful that you didn't.
Hearing it from my mom and dad made the initial shock not hurt.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for making me for such a time as this.
Thank you for making me a chosen person.
Thank you for delicately, intricately, uniquely making me into the woman that I am.
I am so desperately, tenderly, dearly, unbelievably loved.
Esther 4:14 -"and who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this".
I know I was created for such a time as this.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Amidst Spiritual Warfare, Trials and Tribulations, and Heartbreak - Listen to This.
Where were you, in the night, when the roof came down?
Where were you, holding light, when the fire went out?
Where were you, El Shaddai, El Shaddai, El Shaddai!
Where were you, where were you, where were you we cry!
I've served you whole, and I've loved you so.
I've placed my hope in your street of Gold.
My anguish holds what my harvest soothes.
My questions flow from my bitter soul.
Where were you, in the night, when the roof came down?
Where were you, holding light, when the fire went out?
Where were you, El Shaddai, El Shaddai, El Shaddai!
Where were you, where were you, where were you we cry!
You answer me, you answer me.
Where were you, little child, when the world was made?
Who made you, reconciled, when the blood was paid?
It was I, El Shaddai, El Shaddai, El Shaddai!
It was I, El Shaddai, El Shaddai, you cry!
The Habit of Winning
Winning is not a sometime thing. You don't win once in a while. You don't do things right once in awhile. You do them right all the time.
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. There is no room for second place. There is only one place in our game and that is first place. It is and always has been an athletes zeal to be first in anything that they do, and to win, and to win, and to win.
Every time and athlete goes out to play, she's got to play from the ground up. She must play from the soles of her feet right up to the top of their head. Every inch of her has to play. Some ladies play with their heads. That's okay- you've got to be smart to be number one in any business, but more important, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you are lucky enough to find a lady with a good head on her shoulders and a lot of heart, she's never going to come off the court second.
Running a basketball team is no different from running any other kind of organization- an army, a political party, a business. The problems are the same. The objective is to win. To beat the other competitors. To beat the other team. Maybe that sounds cruel and hard. I don't think so.
It is a reality of life that women are competitive and the most competitive games draws competitive women. That's why they are there to compete. I firmly believe that in their way women are more competitive than men are. They know the rules and the objective when they get in the game. The objective being to win. I have never known a woman worth her salt who, in the long run, deep down in her heart did not appreciate the grind, and the discipline necessary to be competitive in the game. There is something in good women that really yearns for a needs discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.
I don't say these things because I believe in the brute nature of women, or that woman must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any woman's finest hour, her greatest fulfillment to all she holds dear, is the moment when she has worked her heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted by the side of the court of battle- VICTORIOUS.
"Winner gets tired during the game. Champions get tired after."
- Coach Parham
Advice He bestowed upon me upon entering adulthood and officiating me as a permanent member of the Ankara Lady Trojans Varsity Basketball Team.
I don't think He knows just how accurate this is in my life right at this moment.
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. There is no room for second place. There is only one place in our game and that is first place. It is and always has been an athletes zeal to be first in anything that they do, and to win, and to win, and to win.
Every time and athlete goes out to play, she's got to play from the ground up. She must play from the soles of her feet right up to the top of their head. Every inch of her has to play. Some ladies play with their heads. That's okay- you've got to be smart to be number one in any business, but more important, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you are lucky enough to find a lady with a good head on her shoulders and a lot of heart, she's never going to come off the court second.
Running a basketball team is no different from running any other kind of organization- an army, a political party, a business. The problems are the same. The objective is to win. To beat the other competitors. To beat the other team. Maybe that sounds cruel and hard. I don't think so.
It is a reality of life that women are competitive and the most competitive games draws competitive women. That's why they are there to compete. I firmly believe that in their way women are more competitive than men are. They know the rules and the objective when they get in the game. The objective being to win. I have never known a woman worth her salt who, in the long run, deep down in her heart did not appreciate the grind, and the discipline necessary to be competitive in the game. There is something in good women that really yearns for a needs discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.
I don't say these things because I believe in the brute nature of women, or that woman must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any woman's finest hour, her greatest fulfillment to all she holds dear, is the moment when she has worked her heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted by the side of the court of battle- VICTORIOUS.
"Winner gets tired during the game. Champions get tired after."
- Coach Parham
Advice He bestowed upon me upon entering adulthood and officiating me as a permanent member of the Ankara Lady Trojans Varsity Basketball Team.
I don't think He knows just how accurate this is in my life right at this moment.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Sunday, May 17, 2015
The one typical post where I give in and write about my best friends and how important they are and wonderful and stuff.
You guys, this girl right here, we go way back.
I ultimately always think of her as my first, true best friend. She is intelligent, without ever being cocky. She is brilliant in everything she does. She works hard, and she is one of the most laid back determined people I know (even though that kinda sounds like an oxymoron). She is probably my favorite feminist, she definitely beats Amy Phoeler. I can't believe we have been best friends for 8 years now. And in all that time, we have never fought once. One time somebody told me that because we didn't fight we didn't really have a true friendship- and too that person, well I basically said they were stupid. Because we never fight, we only challenge each other to do, say, become the best person we possibly can be. She listens better than almost any other friend I have had. She never fails to make me laugh doing the simplest of things. We've been on so many plane rides, road trips, summer trips, spring breaks that I can't even count them. Countless sleepovers, sporting events, plays, seminars, classes, and reunions this one and I have had. We have the same taste in same breakfast food, ice cream, and humor. Most of my best memories are ones where I am with her. Jumping off boats in the Mediterranean Sea, yelling at referees, getting stuck in an elevator, staying in a cheap and skeezy hotel, canoeing out to kizkalesi castle and climbing to the top, buying ben&jerrys and eating it at 3 in the morning, changing the song on the ipod every thirty seconds, befriending strange danish men on plane rides, and writing tons and tons of dorky letters to each other through out it all. I can't image my life without you in it. You have brought not only me, but my family so much joy, and I can't thank you enough. You're one of the lifelong ones, obviously. I can't wait to be close to you again, I can't wait to continue to grow through graduations, jobs, families, and other milestones ahead for us. You'll be my maid-of-honor, my kids godmother, and my very best friend for life. I'm glad to grow up with you by my side. I love you.
Best Friend since 2010.
A blessing sent to me in one of the roughest times of my young life. She has been my best friend for almost 6 years now! It all started when I was crying on her shoulder in the middle of a dark auditorium filled with tons of people singing, laughing, talking. Through the dark, she brought me into the light. She poured her laughter, love, life into me with a consistent heart. I am so grateful to have started as awkward high school freshman and to have grown into adventure filled adults together. There were many inside jokes, very detailed letters of friendship, all-nighters, kitchen dancing episodes, plays, videos, adventures across the world with her. She has drawn me closer to Jesus with her childlike faith and I can't believe the Lord blessed me with such a beautiful creation as her. She is filled with joy, wit to write in a beautifully incomprehensible way, and a strong soul unlike any other. I am so very joyous at the way we have grown as individuals through it all, but even more joy filled at how our friendship has grown through it all. Thank you for believing in me when it felt like nobody else did.
Thank you for repetitively reminding me that I am beautiful. Thank you for reminding me I am worthy. Thank you for carefully molding my heart to be more like His. You are definitely one of my favorite human beings. I can't stop thinking lately about how far you are going to grow and go throughout this funny life. You have accomplished so much in your short 18 years already, and if you have taught me anythings its that the Lord has a plan laid out before us, and all we have to do is trust Him. Doesn't sound easy, because it isn't, but that's why its faith. And if I have faith in anyone on this earth, its you. I'd bet on you every time! I love you through it all dear friend, keep shining.
Best Friends since 2011.
This kid; such a hippie hipster. Just keeeding, he would hate me saying that. But definitely on the best friend list. He is the most wonderfully awkward person to ever grace my life. His humor, basically I can never be near him and not laugh so hard that I cry. So many marvelous memories from high school are because of this guy right here. Seawall walks at night, in the morning, in a typhoon. Crammed car rides in his tiny car with of course the most unparalleled jams of my life. Definitely had a strange start, considering he picked on me at first, but I'm so glad we got the chance to actually grow to know each other. I always joke around with him saying "you don't know me", but he definitely knows me better than most. He has encouraged me countless times, made me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants, taking me on many unforgettable adventures, listened to my whiny high school complaints, prayed with me, and walked with me in my faith. I don't want to imagine a world with out Cody Kai, because it would definitely be dull. He lightens almost every room he steps into with his dorky unique laugh, and because he feels the need take his shirt off in almost every public place (one day he'll grow out of it I swear). He saved my life once, well the microwave was on fire and he threw an apple at it, and squeezed his caprisun in it, but technically we could've died. His heart for people is beautiful. I'm so honored and proud to have been able to watch him grow into the man of God he is. Can't wait to see where he goes after graduation, and all the people he impacts. I hope he has the most extraordinary life. Including traveling deep in New Zealands forests, Tanzania scuba diving, jumping out of airplanes, and seeking adventure in almost everything he does.
Conversation ended. But not really bro, I love you.
Best Friends since 2013.
Ours is a friendship that is simple and sweet.
I knew of her near the beginning of my junior year,
and she knew about me too; but we weren't friends.
In fact she was one of the first people I was scared to befriend. Not because she is scary obviously, but because she is beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and so much more.
I was worried she wouldn't like me.
Turns out she was scared to befriend me as well.
I have no idea why to this day, but I'm so glad we eventually hung out and started the grandest friendship in history.
We eat sushi together, watch films together (even the stupid ones), go on car rides together, buy onesies together, make movies together, eat cinnabon together, have the best conversations together. I miss her giggle. I miss making her giggle. But simply putting it I just miss Lauren. She is also one of my favorite human beings. Not just because she is the most hipster person I know, but because I feel accepted by her more than almost any other person. She makes everything seem so simple. She makes everything feel safe. I never feel judged around her. I'm never actually embarrassed when something embarrassing happens to me around her. She is just so accepting. I honestly hope with all my might that she becomes a film director/producer in her lifetime and that I get the opportunity to be in one of her movies. She is truly flawless. In the famous words of Michael Scott "I (she) am (is) Beyonce always". I absolutely adore you. I hope out of all the people on this list that I can see you the soonest. Yesterday wouldn't be soon enough. I love you with all of my Amy Phoeler might. It's selfish of me to ask, but please don't ever change, you're perfect.
Bailey E. Pilgreen (aka: Bails, BaileyE, Twin)Best Friends since 2014.
This spontaneous girl full of life is basically the other me. God knew before I did that she would be at Liberty, on the same floor specifically for me. I was so scared to come to college, because I was moving back to the states, I knew nobody there, and didn't feel ready. But God has placed us so close to each other before, being military children, and she lived in Korea when I was in Oki, and lived in Germany while I was there as well. We were meant to meet each other in this season of our lives for this specific reason, to be there for each other. If you looked up the definition for joy, I hope it would be a picture of her. She is adventurous, kindhearted, brilliant beyond measure, awkward, silly, childlike, compassionate, full of life. I'm so glad to have grown so close with her so quickly, I can already tell that we are gonna be friends for life. I also can't wait to be on leadership with you next year. You hold me accountable. You lift me up. You encourage me well. I can't wait to grow to know you better in this upcoming year. After all this is just the glorious beginning.
I love you my dear Lion friend.
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