So this is kind of a difficult and awkward topic to write about, especially when I don't really know how to start, or how I'm going to end this, or how any part in the middle is going to sound;
but I do know that is completely alright.
Code Words:
Sperm Donor = Mr. Anonymous.
First off I want to say that I am not angry, whatsoever. Not towards my Mom and Dad, not towards Mr. Anonymous, not about the fact that my parents didn't tell me until I was 19 despite many circumstances where they could've, and in fact should've brought it up, not towards my family who have known this is entire time and haven't let up the information. In absolute no way am I angry.
I looked it up to see if that was normal, and in some situations it is.
Honestly it just depends on the person, their home life, how curious they are about their biological father, how curious they are about the situation and why they were conceived the way they were.
I am definitely one of the lucky ones.
A lot of Cryokids have found the news to be traumatizing, disturbing, and has caused a lot of anger in their lives throughout the reveal and more so afterwards.
But after the initial shock, all it did was make me love both of my parents a whole lot more.
So here it goes. These are some words I need to say to heal a little piece of my heart that broke when I found out, to try and understand my situation just a bit more, to express the pain and occasional sorrow, to explain just how blessed and dearly loved that I am, to show how God creates miracles and the definition of one, and to explain just how much I love my little family.
Dear Momma, I am so immeasurably blessed that the Lord made sure of it that you were my mother.
You are the STRONGEST, most courageous, determined, hardworking, softhearted, intelligent, beautiful, selfless, compassionate, most influential person that I know. I can't imagine having any one else be the one I get to call mother. I am not angry, upset, or hurt about the fact that you chose to do what you did. I am a little upset that your family didn't want you to do it at first, they should have supported you from the get-go, and I am grateful that Grandma always did, and always will.
I am not angry whatsoever. In fact, all I feel is love.
It is just a physical reminder of the grace that the Lord blesses us with consistently.
I am just a physical reminder of God's grace, and I didn't even know it.
That is such a beautiful part of my testimony that now I get to share with the world.
So I wanted to take a moment and apologize to you, for the things out and in my control.
I am so deeply sorry that you couldn't get pregnant in the manner that you wanted to.
I am so deeply sorry that your family didn't support you at first, that must have felt like the definition of lonely. I am so deeply sorry for all those tears you cried yourself to sleep with because you thought you would never be able to carry a child that was you inside yourself. I am sorry it took nearly two years for you to become pregnant. I am sorry the pain, trauma, sorrow, anxiety, and fear that you went through just to be able to call me yours. But most importantly I apologize for not appreciating you as much as I should. You went through all of that just to be able to have me, and at times I was absolutely the most trying child in the book. I wish I could turn back the clock and be more grateful, selfless, understanding, patient, loving, softhearted towards you, but I can't turn back the clock, so I want to take this time to say that I love you so much. I am so beyond grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me over and over again despite your family's thoughts, the price, the hurt and pain it caused you mentally, physically, emotionally. I am so blessed to have gotten my strength of heart, encouragement, sense of hard work, my confidence, my ability to see the bright side of things from you. I love you so dearly.
Dear Daddy,
You are my father, dad, daddy, backbone, and this news doesn't diminish any of that.
As far as I am concerned you are my biological father.
It takes a real man to choose to be a part of what you and mom decided. I'm grateful you chose me.
I know there was pain in finding out, and pain in going through everything just like momma did, and for that I am terribly sorry. I know none of it was my fault, but I still want you to know that I am.
But even more than all of that I want you to know that I am so blessed to have you as my daddy.
You are just a prime example that I have a heavenly father that continuously chooses me day after day, with compassion, grace, tender filled care, and love in His heart, despite how terrible I can be.
You only show me more of a God that I yearn to discover. So thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for being the one that runs to my room when I scream for you after nightmares, thank you for being the one who ceaselessly reminds me just how beautiful I am despite me thinking otherwise, thank you for making me my favorite meals all the time (whether it's cheap Kraft mac'n'cheese or a meal that takes all day to make), thank you for being the one to put my hair in messy awkward angled pigtails and pushing me on the swings as a kid, thank you for making up stupid raps with me in the car, thank you for giving me the most stable environment even when I didn't grow up in a way that was stable, thank you for always finding a way to make me laugh even when I am sad, angry, afraid, tired, anxious, thank you for defending me whether it be from unfair teachers, silly boys, or from myself. Thank you for fighting for this country, for momma and me. Thank you for being my personal hero. I love you so dearly. You are every thing that a man is, and everything that a father should be.
I am so blessed to have gotten my humor from you, my kind heart from you, my patience from you (even if you don't believe me), my love of writing from you, my compassion for others, my sense of pride and joy. You are always and forever my daddy, and I will always be your baby girl.
Dear Mr. Anonymous,
I honestly don't really care to know you. I only really care to know about you.
Unlike other Cryokids I don't want to go searching for you in hopes to discover a man who is merely half of my genes, but not half of my heart. I have a father, the best one in fact, and I'm not looking for another. I however just really care to know what you look like, how much of me is a part of you. I wan't to know if the dimple on the right side of my cheek is from you, or the gazillion freckles on my body, cause I know those aren't my mothers. I want to know if my eyes look like yours, my momma and daddy said that you had blue eyes. If that part of me is from you, I want to thank you, because it's my favorite part of who I am. I wonder if you crinkle your nose when your nervous like I do, or if you have a cowlick at the tip of your hairline like me (actually I know it was you cause momma doesn't have one, so insert sarcasm here: thanks a lot for that). But to be completely honest, whenever I first thought of the idea of you I was kinda sick to my stomach. After all I don't know the type of man you are. I don't know if you just donate for the money, or if you have a story similar to mine and wanted to help two people deeply in love have something they couldn't create themselves. I hope you are the latter, and pretending you are the latter makes what I am about to say a whole lot easier.
Thank you for doing what you did. Thank you for even though you don't know I exist, choosing to help create my life. Because of you, my momma was able to feel what it was like to be pregnant, and my daddy was able to have the little girl that he always wanted. Because of you, I'm alive. My parents definitely could have chosen to adopt, and in fact almost did, but my mom WANTED to have a child of her own so terribly, and despite it not being half of my real dad, they both chose to continue with the process. So even though I can't quite finger which parts of you I am, and which parts that I am not, I just want to say thank you for choose to do what you did. Even though you didn't and still don't know who, I hope you know that you chose life.
Dear Grandma,
You always said I was such a a miracle baby and you would only give me snippets of being there for momma's pregnany, but now that I know the full story I am so glad it was you that was there the whole time. I'm so glad that growing up you were my best friend and partner in crime- its only fitting since you were there for the very beggining, that you would see me through the middle. I can't wait to get up to Heaven and discuss all of this together. I miss you quite terribly. I love you always.
Dear Half-Siblings around the World,
Let me start of saying that I have always wanted a sibling, particularly and older brother, but beggars can't be choosers. Here it comes, the most honest part about this coming to terms/truth reveal/ understanding this whole process: I am saddened by the fact that I was conceived before the law passed that you have a right to know your sperm donor once you hit the age of 18. It's not because I want to know the man who gave me half of his genes, it's because I want to know who else he gave his genes to. I don't know how many of you there are, all I know is that more than anything I wish to know you guys. I now there are sibling registries that you can go on and type the clinic, and information about the donor, and information about yourself on, but I'm not sure that I should do it getting my hopes up. Because my mother said it was basically impossible. So this is the part that I am hurting the most over, I may have tons of siblings that I'll never get to know in this life. Older brothers that love and protect, older sisters that care for and give advice, younger brothers I can encourage and protect, and younger sisters that I can lead in love. I am so sorry that I can't find you.
I am sorry that I can't know you. I am sorry that you may not know of any of this yet. I'm sorry.
I have always wanted a big family for myself, but knowing that I actually have one and can't know them is painful. But even though I have no idea who any of you are, and you are only half of who I am, I love you each of you with my whole heart. I can't wait to meet you all in Heaven one day.
Dear Other CryoKids,
Realize that you are a chosen people. I know that is what really hit me. God talks about the Isrealites as his chosen people, and now I understand it just a bit more. You were, are, and will always be wanted. What a marvelous feeling. Know that in no way does not wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Know that in no way does wanting to know your biological dad make you a terrible person. Its all a part of your story, your heart, your healing, your understanding, and your testimony. You are chosen. Know that you are blessed. Know that you are loved deeply.
Dear Family,
Thanks for not stepping out of line and telling me even when it couldn't have been easy not to.
It wasn't your place to do so, and I'm grateful that you didn't.
Hearing it from my mom and dad made the initial shock not hurt.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for making me for such a time as this.
Thank you for making me a chosen person.
Thank you for delicately, intricately, uniquely making me into the woman that I am.
I am so desperately, tenderly, dearly, unbelievably loved.
Esther 4:14 -"and who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this".
I know I was created for such a time as this.
